Struggling with gender identity as a transgender woman for over sixty years I am desperately seeking a way to end decades of torment. A path to my own authenticity may just be the answer for me.
I went for a walk this morning as it was a cold, but rather calm sunny day. After being cooped up for a long-time due to the pandemic I knew I needed to take advantage of the good weather because it’s still winter in the Northeast, and it won’t start warming for months.
As I progress I notice my shadow. Instantly my mind takes me to one of the dark places in the deep recesses of consciousness. Watching my shadow walk, my mind wonders if I am being perceived as a female or male as I stride. Along with that…
I can see queerly now
After coming out as Transgender three years ago my world was in complete turmoil. I was sixty years old at the time and while coming out is hard enough, I also had to face losing my wife of thirty years to illness.
Ask a transgender person how their transition is going and you will get a variety of answers, but most will say it’s the hardest thing they ever had to do. Coming out to loved ones, work colleagues, socially; pretty much everywhere is so frightening. I couldn’t do it justice by trying to explain what it’s like. The tremendous soul crushing anxiety and fear was so overwhelming for me that I just wanted to die rather than face it. But somehow, I found the courage to move ahead. So here are a few things I learned along the way.
If I…
I experienced a frightening period when my egg cracked and I knew there was no staying inside my shell to protect me any longer from the unknown of gender transition and becoming who I was meant to be all along. I wrote this poem at a time when I didn’t know what my future would bring, early in transition. So now I send this out to all of you who are in that dark period before you break through into the light. There is hope, love and happiness awaiting so find the strength to battle for your own survival. It will be worth it in the end.
I thought I was a boy, but that was not to be.
Things, I knew were just not right, hiding made me too blind to see.
I learned to stay inside myself, a lonesome kind of life.
Living inside a dark retreat, my soul was filled with pain and strife.
I could not go on like that, filled with torment and pain.
No sunny days were calling me, only the thunder and the rain.
I felt her welling up inside, looking out through my eyes.
She was escaping from the depths, no more covering up with lies.
Standing by the…
For many transgender people, passing is the ultimate goal. There are many reasons for this. Sometimes it could be safety or just so that a transgender person can feel at home in their own skin, or any number of reasons, all of which are valid.
For those who do not know what passing is, it’s the ability to be seen as a genuine cisgender female if you are a trans woman, or a genuine cisgender male if you are a trans man.
However, I have reached a point in my transition where passing is not required, nor desired. I live in a liberal state, New York, that has its own gender protection laws, and violence towards trans people seems to be at a minimum. Additionally, I feel like I can now live authentically and unapologetically as I was meant to all along.
I remember when…
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if for just one day, one nondescript day I could wake up and be a cisgender woman? Let me try to imagine how that would be compared to being transgender.
I awaken suddenly at the alarm. That constant beeping that somehow continues in my head even after I hit the snooze button is torture. Five minutes later the alarm rings again and it forces me out of bed. I can feel the invisible tugging at my arm to move.
I go through my normal routine of brushing teeth, wash face, drink coffee before heading to the shower. Out of the shower I stare myself down dripping wet. So, critical of everything about myself. I hate my breasts, they are too small and uneven, my feet are too big, I need…
A transgender person goes through so many things, but now my biggest wonder is if I will want to have sex again or if I even can.
For background, I am 63 years old and have been transitioning for two and a half years. It’s also important to note that my wife of 30 years passed away about 10 months ago. She was my only partner since 1989. I’d also like to point out that I am not ready to have a relationship or to date another person at this time. When I may be ready is anyone’s guess. This musing is not a plea to find sexual partners. If that’s what I wanted I would go to a dating website.
So, what am I trying to…
For some transgender people, it’s too painful to think about our pre-transition personas, however I am forever grateful to that persona.
Sitting comfortably one evening, I reflect on the debt I owe Rick for preparing me for what was to come. Without his courage and tenacity, I would not be here, and he would have inevitably fallen into deep despair. You see, a great tragedy had befallen Rick even before he was born. No one knew that of course, but an unfortunate twist of fate had cursed this child to a lifetime of torment in ignorance.
Rick grew up a good soul, in a good family with honorable values. That family had its share of tragedies though. By the time Rick…
Transgender people suffer trans phobic attacks from strangers and family, and it burns deep like the roots of a lava pit far below the surface of a dormant volcano.
It’s hard enough dealing with your own transphobia when exploring your gender identity, let alone having to take jabs and punches, or all-out assaults from even the closest of family and friends. Yes, I have suffered these attacks as so many others have. I will be giving you some real-life examples of what I have sustained but I want to warn you there will be trans phobic remarks and my reactions to them, so let this be a trigger warning for anyone who needs it. I struggled with myself greatly whether or not I should write this at all but…
Gender Transition
It’s the middle of the night and you are alone in bed in your empty house. It’s a dark night, no moonlight and you can hear the wind wailing outside. The house creaks and it startles you.
You need to get up to relieve yourself, but the thought of pulling down the covers and stepping to the floor frightens you. You can feel the tiny hairs on the back of your neck standing up but you don’t know why. You want to put your foot down on the floor but the fear makes you hesitate, as if you are certain that something is under the bed waiting. …
My denial of being transgender was like sitting alone in a dark theater watching my life go by. I was frightened to let anyone else in.
My denial of being transgender was like sitting alone in a dark theater watching my life go by. I was frightened to let anyone else into that theater for fear of discovery and losing everything. My family, friends, job and whatever sanity I was holding on to were all at risk. This was for me and me alone. No admittance allowed.
That forced a loneliness into my life so soul crushingly deep I may as well have been an astronaut in a space suit floating around the astronomical abyss waiting for the oxygen to run out. …
Rachel Brindell
Transgender woman who believes in being visible to bring enlightenment and understanding, and perhaps some inspiration can be found. Writer, Guitarist, Singer
